Bizarro's Super Fun Happy Slide

In a world of Political Correctness, it is hard to find anyone brave enough to face waves of negative public opinion, and speak out on a matter that concerns us all. Yet Edna Geddes (Anne Geddes' evil twin sister) is willing to do just that! Edna has gathered a collection of photos of evil babies world wide, and is willing to share them here, with you, the easily-amused web surfer!

The best way to address the sceptic is by beginning with one of our most shocking photos. Taken only six months ago, this is a picture of Mark O'Nick. Here, we can clearly see the tell-tale "666" tatoo on the child's head, before it's hair has grown in far enough to cover it (one reason why Evil Babies do not like having their pictures taken when young). Also, careful observers can see the Evil Baby's budding fangs, protruding from its mouth.

Many parents are tricked into believing that the tatoo actually says "999" by the Evil Baby himself. These individuals fall prey to the smooth-talking Evil Baby, never stopping to ask themselves "Why is my newborn talking perfect English?"

Next, meet Tracey. Tracey is what is known as a "Bloodthirsty Evil Baby", or BEB. These youngsters usually begin by killing small rats and insects, but by the age of eight months can take down a full grown truck driver. BEB can be identified by their dark, sloping eyebrows, and serrated tongues. BEBs are afraid of loud noises, so if you fear a baby might be a BEB, scream at it as loud as you can. If it cries, you have a BEB on your hands!

In 1993, a pack of 17 BEBs were tracked by Ohio State Troopers as they stalked a school bus full of nuns through the streets of Cleveland. Luckily, the quick-thinking officers averted disaster by throwing 200 lbs. worth of raw, bloody steak out in front of the babies. The babies were taken into custody, but were quickly released. Sadly, few judges are willing to sentence babies to the death penalty.

Some evil babies are better than others at hiding their true identities. In this picture, we see young Louise Hampton. She looks normal, doesn't she? Just a regular, normal newborn, snuggled up in her blankets. Or is she? Look closer - what's that on her finger? That's right, cocaine. Many evil babies are habitual drug users from day one. Favourites include cocaine, crack, heroine, and a drink they call "Mother's Milk" (made with vodka and baby formula).

Some evil babies become drug dealers the minute they leave the womb, setting up distribution lines, supplies, and "clients" while lying in the maternity ward. Parents who often find that their newborns seem to have a great deal of money - say, in the thousands - should suspect that maybe their child is a drug dealer.

The Evil Baby Conspiracy does its best to make sure that the general public - that means you - never discovers that they exist. To this end, the EBC has its own Enforcers - big, strong babies who make sure that other babies toe the line, and keep their mouths shut. Oh sure, your baby boy would love to tell you about the baby prostitution ring going on down at the Daycare center, but he can't. He knows that, if he squeals, "Big Tony" (pictured to the right) will be waiting with a fresh pair of cement baby shoes. Every child also lives in fear of the infamous "Rattle Beatings".

Here, we see a very well developed Evil Baby. Note the red eyes, dark eyebrows, and obvious fangs. How can such an obviously evil baby hide itself, you might wonder. Simple. Evil babies have the ability to retract their fangs. As for the red eyes, well, not all of those "devil eye" baby pictures you see are a trick of the camera...

This particular baby, Jimmy "the Diaper Stain" Louchetti, was personally responsible for a string of bank robberies and murders ranging from Miami to New York City. Jimmy was aprehended last April, in a gun battle which left six police officers dead, and 17 wounded. Jimmy was tried and convicted of his crimes. His punishment? A spanking. Evil babies are usually back on the street within 48 hours of capture.

Behind every three good babies, there's an Evil Baby with a sword....or knife, or gun, whip, etc. Some Evil Baby Enforcers favour hot irons, which they use to brand good babies who "talk too much". The two babies to the right are obviously distressed, and live in fear of "King" Arthur Candlebury, the much-feared sword-weilding killer baby of Dundas. The baby to the left (seen wearing a gold chain) knows how to keep her mouth shut. Such babies are often given presents (usually cash, drugs, jewelry or automobiles) for helping the Evil Babies, or even for just "looking the other way". Sadly, such babies often end up evil themselves.

Even the media is under the control of the Evil Baby Conspiracy. For example, most people are familiar with the story of the Unibomber, and his campaign of terror. In fact, the man they arrested is completely innocent. Unfortunately for him, he is a scapegoat presented to the press by the police, all to protect this baby. Esmeralda "Unibrow" Delasinco (better known as the "Unibaby") is actually behind the letter bombs which killed and maimed so many.

She was given her task by the Evil Baby Taskforce. Her goal, to silence various media reporters and whistle-blowers who wanted to expose the Evil Baby Conspiracy.

But perhaps the most truely powerful and evil baby of them all is "Big" Al Constantino. Seen here, Big Al is almost impossible to identify as an Evil Baby. The first clue is general attitude - Big Al just looks pissed off. However, most people just put his expression down to being gassy. Also, Big Al, like many Evil Babies, has the ability to change the colour of the whites of his eyes to match his attire.

We will continue to bring you more Evil Baby photos, and do our best to fight the Conspiracy as long as we are able. Of course, with packs of Evil babies hunting us down as we write this, we're not sure how much longer we can continue. Rest assured, as long as Bizarro's Super Fun Happy Slide is around, the Evil Baby Conspiracy will be exposed!

Disclaimer: Anne Geddes does not really have an evil twin sister named Edna. Her real name is Louise, but we changed it here to protect her secret identity. Whoops, guess we went and blew that one, huh? This disclaimer is printed here in teeny, tiny text, to piss people off. If your'e still reading this, you can stop now. If you are Anne Geddes, please, oh please, don't sue me. I'm a reasonably nice guy, I swear!